I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
