I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize