I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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