toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
