Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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