Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
