he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
