I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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