Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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