I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize