Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
