Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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