Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
