fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
