I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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