I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
