So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
