I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
