So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
