don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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