White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
