i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
