Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
