wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
