i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
