Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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