I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
