What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my being single is dangerous.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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