I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
