i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
