Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
