I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
