I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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