went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
