yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
