My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
