I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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