I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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