so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
