Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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