nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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