We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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