You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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