life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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