The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize