I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
