i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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