I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
