Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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