We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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