I'm so fucking centered right now
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
