enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
