U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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