Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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