So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
