Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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