Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You've changed since you got that strap on
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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