During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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