The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
