shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
