I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
