I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
